The Morrowind Proclamations

Not about OpenMW? Just about Morrowind in general? Have some random babble? Kindly direct it here.
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Ebonair
Posts: 25
Joined: 04 Dec 2018, 20:08

The Morrowind Proclamations

Post by Ebonair »

The Morrowind Proclamations

Vvardenfell's Favorite Source for Up To Date News!

_____ Swimming Enthusiasts' Meeting _____

The first annual Swimming Enthusiasts' Meeting took place in Seyda Neen this weekend. The crowd could be seen sporting netch-leather swim trunks and chitin bikinis. An enterprising vendor sold red and blue inflatable "Buoyant Armigers" for swimming novices, while another dished out iced scrib jelly. Spirits were high as the event began, and participants raced into the water with a tremendous cheer and splashing. However, playful shrieks were soon replaced with genuine screams as the clear waters darkened with blood. Three participants eventually managed to drag themselves to shore, blood dripping down their legs, and shreds of buoyant armigers hanging in loops from their arms.

There were no other survivors. Memorial services will be held this Tirdas at Samarys Ancestral Tomb. Meeting organizer Draren Thiralas said "I think that went as well as could be expected. Obviously, we would have liked the survival rate to be higher, and we'll be looking into that as we prepare for next year's event. Right now our focus is going to be on replenishing our numbers, and fundraising to cover funerary expenses."

_____ Nerevarine Still Searching for Children _____

It has now been three months since the children of Morrowind "vanished", and the Nerevarine grows ever more frantic in his quest to recover them. He was last seen shaking a woman in Balmora, shouting "How can you not care? They're your children!". We later interviewed the woman. "I told him I didn't have time for this." she sniffed. "He was just speechless, mouth hanging open but nothing coming out. I told him to spit it out or hit the road." she said primly. "Honestly this is all becoming a bit tiresome."

Not everyone is weary of the sport though. Feldrelo Sadri of the Tribunal Temple recalls: "I told him I knew were the children are. I led him right up the steps of the Temple, turned and said 'Behold the citizens of Balmora, children of the Almsivi!' Hah! You should have seen the look on his face! Priceless!".

I asked her if we might expect changes to the Apographa in the near future. "There's no way to know" she said, shaking her head sadly. "It just says 'Children'. Some dissident priests claim that Vivec meant to write more, since you can see where he was running out of ink by the end of 'Children'. But Vivec is a god on earth, and does not make mistakes, and to say otherwise is heresy! So 'Children' is in there, possibly for good, and therefore is a subject to be known only by the Priesthood and Inquisitors. End of discussion."

I caught up with an Ordinator at Vivec's palace, and asked how he was adjusting to the new situation. "I'm an Inquisitor, not a babysitter!" he growled, though his crayon-decorated leg guards and jelly-stained cloak seemed to suggest otherwise. When I asked about the Nerevarine, he said "Let him look! If nothing else it's an entertaining distraction during these... trying times. Honestly, if he wasn't such an Outlander he'd know enough to mind his own business like a decent citizen."

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_____ On The Lighter Side _____

Ordinator: Why did you walk all the way to Vivec?
Pilgrim: I don't recall.

Pilgrim: How do you get Vivec to stop drinking?
Ordinator: ...how?
Pilgrim: With an Almsivi Intervention!

Ordinator: Why is the bartender sobbing?
Pilgrim: He keeps swallowing his greef!

_____ Sujamma Bandit Strikes Again _____

The Sujamma Bandit has once again robbed the nobility, using his supernatural strength to overpower the guards at the Hlaalu treasury before emptying the vault. Described by witnesses as a middle-aged male Nord with a grotesquely distended stomach, the Sujamma Bandit is known for his signature 'wheelbarrow of empty sujamma bottles' that he leaves at the scene of his crimes.

The bandit knocked out four Hlaalu guards and killed an Ordinator to make his escape, and remains at large. We spoke to an eye witness at the Hlaalu Canton:

Reporter: "I understand you saw the infamous Sujamma Bandit escaping the Canton."

Aren Maren: "That's right! He comes barrelin' down the ramp, belly swinging back an' forth like a, like a thing that's really bloated. And then he runs across the bridge, making sloshing noises the whole way, like a, um, like a Dreugh on moonsugar."

Reporter: "Did anyone try to stop him?"

Aren Maren: "An Ordinator! He says, 'You can't escape the rightness!', then he pulls his mace an' runs right at the bandit. But the bandit, he jus' turns around and kicks the Ordinator right in the foyada! Sent him flyin' into the ocean, like a, like something that sinks really fast and then drowns."

Reporter: "Can you describe the bandit's appearance?"

Aren Maren: "Yeah! He was a Nord. With a huge gut like a, um, barrel full of dead scrib. And he's belching loud with every step, like a..."

Reporter: "OK, I think I get it."

Aren Maren: "Like a horker falling down a flight of stairs!"

The Temple and Mage's Guild are both baffled by the Bandit's supernatural strength, which may be Daedric in origin. The bounty for the Sujamma Bandit is now set at 8000 Septims, drawing bounty hunters from across Vvardenfell. His incredible strength is causing many to have second thoughts though, and the authorities don't expect a capture in the near future.
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Mantar
Posts: 38
Joined: 17 Jul 2020, 23:32

Re: The Morrowind Proclamations

Post by Mantar »

That was brilliant. Thanks for posting it!
Ebonair
Posts: 25
Joined: 04 Dec 2018, 20:08

Re: The Morrowind Proclamations

Post by Ebonair »

Thanks! I figure as long as someone finds it mildly amusing, then it was all worthwhile.
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pvdk
Posts: 528
Joined: 12 Aug 2011, 16:34

Re: The Morrowind Proclamations

Post by pvdk »

Haha great stuff!
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